Matt and I had just moved from our first home to a larger house. I guess that's when we started talking about having a baby. We wondered what a little person might look like, Imagined our life with an extra little mix of ourselves in it.
That's when we decided to try for a baby. to our surprise and crazy excitement I was pregnant within the first month. Within the first couple of days of finding out, I noticed I had a very small amount of spotting... my heart sank.
Of course, i got on the phone to my mum first in tears and she reassured me as did friends and I also looked for any positive confirmation online that everything was going to be fine. It only lasted two days and everything after that did seem fine... fine apart from the sinking feeling in my gut telling me it wasn't.
I carried on regardless and tried to stay positive. I didn't feel sick and have all the usual pregnancy symptoms, all I had was a pregnancy test to cling onto.
At 12 weeks I had a scan, my cervix was closed but they couldn't find a heartbeat. Our baby had died, likely at nine weeks.
All I remember was the silence and the whispers of sorry and I felt like my heart was breaking. I just wanted to be alone so I could fall to pieces because I couldn't concentrate. And I definitely wasn't prepared for what they were about to ask me next... 'What did I want to do?'
Nothing. I wanted to do nothing, In that way it didn't feel like it was really happening, They let me go home. I didn't fall apart because I wasn't prepared to believe them but a week later at 13 weeks I haemorrhaged and was rushed into hospital.
The next day I was asked if It was okay to cremate the fetus, that is when I broke. I left the hospital a mess but made myself busy in the coming days, It was the only way I could cope.
I was pregnant with Ralph one month later. The first three months were difficult. I couldn't wait until the 12 week scan, it was such a relief. I then went on to have Judah and we were pretty set. We had brought my dream house and Ralph being 4 and Judah 2 kept me pretty busy.
I found out I was pregnant again, It was a huge shock but once I got my head around it we were so excited. At 10 weeks I started to feel period type cramps which didn't seem right and I stopped feeling sick. I went for a scan early they found a heartbeat and I saw my little baby bouncing around in there, It definitely put my mind at rest.
I didn't have a scan at 12 weeks but by nearly 14 weeks I started to bleed, not heavily but I went in for a scan. There was no heartbeat... my baby had died at 12 weeks. I felt guilty, guilty that maybe it was what I deserved for not being happy about the pregnancy at the start. I felt isolated and alone. I felt helpless and what seemed like just a heavy period was a baby that I had seen with a beating heart.
Within a month again I was pregnant with Hunter. I was so crazy during his pregnancy, completely on edge, I didn't settle until the 20 week scan.
I thought I'd share my experience of miscarriage, I love what Tommy's Baby Charity is doing to raise awareness for miscarriage and baby loss. While I could never liken my experience to that of losing a baby at term... I cannot even begin to imagine that pain, I did feel completely alone.
I feel like people were looking at me, just feeling sorry for me and almost embarrassed, I felt like people who were pregnant or had just had a baby didn't know how to be around me but all I wanted was for people to be normal... Invite me to their baby shower, or talk to me about how their baby had been up all night, or even just ask me how I was feeling. You don't need to pretend it isn't happening, It's good to talk, It would have made me feel like I wasn't alone.
I love that awareness is being raised, It will help so many people who are going through loss and help those around them know how they can help. I've included a link to their website below.